The Family is Alright.

From fucking it all up to figuring (most of) it out.

We had our first family photos taken a few weeks ago. After two years of dating I decided I was finally ready to commemorate this time in our lives.

When I was in my first openly queer relationship I was only a few months in when I had a whole photoshoot taken with me and the boys and the person. We all barely knew each other, had never lived together, but I wanted to make it look like we were already this tight knit unit. I don’t know if I was trying to convince other people or trying to convince myself but there was a deep desperation in me to see the person I was becoming reflected back at me. I wanted to be able to look at a picture and dream about the life I thought I was building. But looking back now, seven years later I see how those moments were so detrimental to me the boys and trying to find myself and my voice.

From the moment I publicly came out I was tethered to someone. I wanted to show everyone that I could be out and happy and still have a good life. I wanted everyone to see the kids liked her and we were gonna be a family and still do everything the way everyone deemed a successful family to do. But in reality I had no idea what I was doing, who the fuck I was, and I wasn’t even sure myself about this person or our future. I was still chasing the approval of everyone else. I was still begging for someone, ANYONE, to tell me I was doing a good job and making the right choices. I took no time to really process for myself. I fucked a lot up and was scared of how to move forward alone.

I overlooked a shit ton of red flags and I also pushed a lot of my own boundaries and things I should have taken my time on, and thats on me. When I look back it’s reflected in the pictures. I’m smiling, I think because I’m finally free in my queerness and I did in fact deeply care for the person but it feels very staged, I can tell were all strangers ourselves and not even the most brilliant photographer can hide those things.

With Sarina I feel like it’s been such a slower more intentional process. We uhauled— ya ya ill admit that. But I never pushed us all to be family in the traditional way I’m used to. I’m not trying to give my kids another mom- I’m just letting this person show up for them and love them. I’m letting them decide who people are to them and how they feel about them. I’m making damn sure they know they are my day one and no matter what my love and dedication to them will never falter.

I’m not trying to make it look like we have it all together because honestly even two years in we’re still navigating on the daily. But we do have a lot of love and undeniable amount of joy. Sarina built friendships with the boys that turned to caretaking that turned to love. What I see in these photos I see us. I see silliness and laughter, and big teeshirts and no socks, our dog were all deeply obsessed with. We didnt need props to curate what our life looks like, it’s real as fuck. It is how we exist in spaces together, it is how our home feels.

So I lean into gratitude. For my missteps, for reflection, for my humans. For the ability to fuck up and continue to show up. For the creating a life with love.

see you soon,

x jess